ABCs for Managers who Lead – R is for Respect

“PhD in Leadership, Short Course: Make a careful list of all things done to you that you abhorred. Don’t do them to others, ever. Make another list of things done for you that you loved. Do them for others, always.” Dee Hock, founder and former CEO of the Visa credit card association.

In definitions and quotations about respect, we see words like “esteem,” “admire,” “hold in high regard,” “humility” in relationships with others, “consideration” of others, “inclusiveness,” and “good manners.” Would you use the same words to define respect?

Respect is when a foot soldier salutes an officer (respect for position); when you give your seat to an elderly person (respect for age); when you throw trash in a litter basket (respect for the environment and the people living in that environment); when you implement standard operating procedures correctly (respect for the organization’s integrity); when you stop for a red light (respect for law and order).

Each of us wants to be respected. We want others to acknowledge us as people and consider our needs, status, age, accomplishments and position.

How do you gain the respect of others? It might be by doing your job well, acting as a positive role model, or treating others with respect. You also gain respect by leaving your ego out of your interactions – making it clear that you don’t know all of the answers, being humble enough to acknowledge the contributions of others and being vulnerable enough to admit your mistakes.

How would you know that others respect you? By their behavior. If people are kind and gracious toward you, if they demonstrate or speak of their esteem for you, these are good indicators of respect.

We may not be quite as sensitive of the need of others to be respected. For example, we might: speak sharply to a colleague or family member; we may fail to include others, especially people who are “different” from us, such as minorities, people at a lower level in the organizational hierarchy, or people from other countries, tribes, religions and regions; or we disrespect a colleague to the extent that we gossip about her.

Whom do we need to respect? If you answered “everyone,” you get a gold star. There is always something you can admire in another person. One exercise I was confronted with was to give honest and positive feedback to a person who I thought was loud and ignorant. I kept hoping I wouldn’t be paired with her, but, of course, I was. I struggled to find something that was truthful to acknowledge her for, to respect her. In the end, I was able to say that she had a beautiful smile that was warm and attracted other people to her. I was not lying. This was true. After that, we developed a great, mutual relationship.

Respecting well

Remember that you need to give respect to gain respect. Giving respect means giving of ourselves in a manner that is aligned with our values and in integrity with who we are. It also means that you expect nothing in return, except possibly a smile or a thank you.

This does not mean that you have to agree with the other person’s views. In fact, it is important to state your views in a respectful manner to bring another perspective to the table and enrich decisions. The goal is to respect the opinions of others and add yours, not as being better, but as an idea to take into consideration.

Here is an exercise: first, make a list of the five people in your life whom you admire the most and indicate how you show respect to and for them. Then, make a list of the five people you have the most difficult time respecting. It could be a person you disagree with, or a child who is not obeying your rules, or someone who disrespects you in our work or neighborhood. How do you already demonstrate respect? How could you do a better job of respecting them?

See for yourself

Dee Hock’s management principles, in his own words

Tom Peters: Gain Respect by Giving It

Kobe and LeBron: Mutual Respect

Interview Advice: What would you do to gain respect as a new manager? (There are good lessons in this video that can be applied in everyday life, not just in job interviews.)